5-5-10
Once again, I didn’t finish my blog. I seem to be easily distracted. Lol. Part of it is that what’s on my mind is still fresh and hurts a little bit, so my first reaction is to bury it so I don’t have to feel it anymore. That’s a bad practice, though. Any emotion that is buried will eventually come out and not always in the best way. But, for now, it’s easier to just pretend the feeling isn’t there and not deal with it.
And, once again, I’m not really sure what to write. My mind is a little scattered right now, so I’m having a hard time coming up with one thread to start with. I’m thinking about work, my friends back home, my friend at the courthouse and my friend in Albuquerque.
At work, I get to listen to my ipod, which is really nice. I just turn it on and zone out while I work. Today, I listened to the song Hero by Darren Hayes. It’s a really good song. Here is an excerpt:
Ladies and gentleman, listen up please
I don’t want to be your hero
No, I am not open
Parts of me are broken
Do yourself a favor
Save yourself
Don’t pick me
Find someone else
Why’d you want to bother
Find yourself another
It’s an interesting song. There are lots of reasons why I feel like I relate to this song. I guess mostly because I feel broken a lot. *shrug*
Okay, another train of thought. Lol. Seriously, my brain is all over the place today. I feel like right when I get a grasp on one thought, another one shoots in and takes over. It’s crazy. Maybe I’m crazy. Lol. I guess not because crazy people don’t know they are crazy.
I have this whole list of things that I was thinking about at work a few days ago and none of them seem interesting to write about right now. It’s just a lot of really random stuff. Kind of like what’s on my mind right now.
Life is kinda crazy sometimes. Some days there is just so much I want to write about, yet can’t get the time to do it and then there’s days like today where I have plenty of time, yet nothing to write about.
Well, I started writing about something yesterday, so I guess I could finish that. This is what I wrote:
5-4-10
My friends and I had a group chat on MSN yesterday. It was tons of fun! I really think we should do that more often. I was a little distracted by some stuff that had happened during the day, so I wasn’t entirely paying attention and I don’t remember a lot of it, but I seem to remember something about Nate and Jared being gay and Jared called me fat. :/ It was a really odd chat. Jill was having fun making the chat window vibrate. There’s a ‘nudge’ option that makes the window shake and makes a noise. Jill was having a lot of fun doing that during the conversation. It was pretty funny. As fun as it was, I got distracted partway through the conversation by my brain and had to leave. I was having a really good time with them at first. I was laughing my head off and having a total blast. My mind, though, for some reason, just can’t hold on to being happy for very long. My brain always has to go back to other things. Of course, that yesterday had a plethora of things for my mind to dwell upon. Not the best day, yesterday. It wasn’t as bad as some days have been, but tit definitely wasn’t the best. I don’t really want to talk about that right now, though. Maybe later. I’m so tired of crying and being sad. My goal for the foreseeable future is to take things as they come and to find peace with the way things are. I’ve never really been a patient person. When I see something that needs to be done, I do it right away. Or if I want something, I want it to happen NOW. It’s always been hard for me to let things take their course. Especially when that course is slow. I’m not a way fast-paced person, but when something needs to be done, I do it as quickly and efficiently as I can. I tend to be that way in my relationships, too. That’s kinda how Caleb and I got married. Quickly. Very very quickly. We both liked each other a lot and we both thought of each other as people we could marry in the future. Both of us wanted to get married, so we decided to just go ahead and do it. We didn’t exactly think it through very well. That’s why, if I ever get married again, I would like to be engaged for a period of at least 3 months, hopefully longer. Lol. I need to teach myself patience.
5-5-10
Patience is a hard thing to learn. I know it’s been hard for me. I guess that’s why this whole situation I’m in is good for me. I can’t have what I want right now because there are barriers in the way and there is the possibility that I won’t ever get what I want. Kinda sucks. But I don’t want to impede progress or hinder happiness. I don’t want to be the thing that stands in the way of someone else being able to live their life fully and happily. *sigh* So that means I have to step back and let things go the way they will. I’m not a big fan of the unknown. I don’t like uncertainty. It drives me nuts when people waffle back and forth. I just want to grab them and say, “make up your mind and stick with it!” But that doesn’t always work. Things change. People change. Life is every changing. Nothing stays the same. I have a hard time with change sometimes. I like things to be comfortable and familiar, not new and unpredictable. Yet, I find myself in a situation where everything is new and unpredictable. And I kinda like it. Lol. I guess I’m changing, too.
You know, I thought I had changed a lot since high school, but I’m finding that people think I’m pretty much the same. Well, kind of. Not the same as I thought I was, but the same as they thought I was. Ever since I got divorced, I’ve been reconnecting with people I knew in high school. I thought most of the people in my high school didn’t like me. I mean, I didn’t have very many friends and I definitely didn’t fit the mold at my high school. I didn’t really fit any of the molds there. I definitely wasn’t popular, I wasn’t in band, I only did choir one year, I didn’t do any of the activities that garnered public notice. I just hung in the background and did my own thing. I didn’t wear the name-brand clothes or really even wear anything remotely in style. I had my own style and I wore what I wanted to wear, not what the ‘in’ crowd was wearing. I’ve pretty much been employed constantly since I was 16 (6, if you count my paper route that I had until I was 18), so it’s not like I couldn’t afford to buy the popular clothes. I just didn’t see the point in it. I was more into buying books and saving my money. I paid cash for my first two cars, so I think it was worth it to pass on clothes back then. It was nice to be able to pay for weekend trips and whatever I wanted to do. Jill and I went to SLC our Senior year for Spring Break. That was a lot of fun. We stayed in this awful little hotel that had really scary people hanging out in the parking lot and just had so much fun doing random things. To me, that is worth more than stylish clothes. So, yeah, my opinion on things such as that kinda made me a not-so-popular person. I didn’t mind too much. I had a small group of friends and I enjoyed being with them. We had fun. I hated my high school experience and I’d probably kill myself if I had to go back for more than just a day, but I enjoyed my life outside of school. I did hang out with a lot of the ‘outcast’ people. It’s not that they were outcasts (we, I should say), but they (we) were the odd people. Some of them did drugs, some drank and smoked, some were just emo. I didn’t really fit in with any of them, either since I never did drugs, smoked, drank or any of that kind of stuff. Overall, I was a pretty good kid. I think the worst thing I did was sneak out of my parent’s house a few times so I could go to The Dance Factory. Lol. Wow. I feel so lame just typing that. Haha. So, yeah, I didn’t really fit in with any crowd. Those people, though, the ‘rejects’, are the ones that I’m closest with now. It’s kinda funny how that happens. I was kinda friends with some girls from church and some other girls from school, but I wasn’t exactly their ‘type’, so we’re all still friends, just not close friends. I’m not really sure how to explain it. They’re all good people, we just don’t connect as well as I do with the people I’m close to now.
Anyways, I did have a point. I get distracted a lot. So, yeah, I’ve been connecting with people I was friends with in high school and some people I didn’t really talk to in high school and it’s so interesting to find out that people I didn’t think even noticed me in high school had crushes on me. How weird is that? And some of the guys I was friends with liked me, but didn’t want to ask me on dates. What on earth is up with that? I guess I can understand that, though. I’ve been interested in plenty of guys during my life that I was too afraid to tell. Rejection is a scary thing. I’d much rather be alone than be rejected. But that’s just me.
