Interesting Day

It’s been an interesting day today. Not exactly one of my best. By far not my worst, though, so that’s good. My worst day was a few months ago. I seriously cried all day long. I was so stressed and overwhelmed with my job and feeling lonely  and all that fun stuff. My boss hired me an assistant the next day. lol. At least it shows she cares and pays attention. That’s a good thing.

So, yeah, today has been strange. I woke up at 3:45 like I usually do. Well, for the past two weeks I have been. I’ve been working out in the morning before going to work. I like it. Today, though, I didn’t get through my workout. I’ve been pretty sad lately. I can’t remember what brought this thought about, but on Friday I started thinking about some stuff and came to the realization that if something ever happened to me, nobody would notice until partway through the work day. If something happened to me on a Friday, nobody would notice until Monday morning. That’s a depressing thought. It’s depressing because it’s true. I don’t keep in regular contact with anyone. I go to work and then I come home, where I either read, play on facebook and/or watch tv. Yay for the exciting life I lead. I don’t talk to anyone on a regular basis and I barely text anyone anymore. I feel like I’m falling into this depressive spiral and I’m just pulling away from everyone. I do this periodically. I don’t know why. I don’t ever realize I’m doing it until I’ve pretty much quit speaking to everyone I know. At that point, I realize none of my ‘friends’ really care enough to try to keep in contact, so I don’t really start talking to any of them anymore. I mean, what’s the point in being friends with people who are only friends with you out of convenience?

Anyways, while I was working out this morning, it just hit me how alone I am. There is nobody here in Oklahoma that gives a crap about whether or not I exist. Yeah, Nathan is my friend and I like to think that he cares about me, but I also think that he wouldn’t be too heartbroken if I just disappeared one day. I don’t think anyone here would be. They may wonder what happened to me, but it wouldn’t be anything more than that. I don’t think anyone here would miss me all that much for more than a week or so, if even that. The realization that I have no emotional support here hit me so hard this morning. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I just layed on the floor and cried. I felt so devestated and lost. My heart hurt so much and I felt like I had a hole in me. Like part of me was just ripped away. All day long I felt like I was just going to collapse and fall apart again. I felt like if I stopped moving, there was no way on earth I’d be able to start again. Every move I made today felt like I was trying to drag a pile of bricks through sludge in the middle of a rainstorm. At one point I felt like I was just going to fall on the floor and evaporate. It was a horrible, horrible day. I still feel shaky and rather empty right now, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was earlier. Ugh! And I cried so much today! I cried while I was working out, I cried when I first got to work, I cried while I was getting ready to go to the courthouse, I cried during my drive to the courthouse and I cried again in the parking lot at the courthouse. I almost started crying at the cashier’s cage inside the courthouse, but thankfully I didn’t. When I got over to the Civil department, I ended up with Nathan (again). Seriously, I’ve gotten him just about every time the past few weeks. Or maybe it’s just that I get him when I’m having crazy days. One day last week, I was having a bit of a stressful day at work and Nathan could tell. Seriously, that boy reads me way to well. I walk up to the counter and he can tell if I’m having a rough day or not. So, yeah, last week when I was stressed out he said something about how I always seem to be stressed or upset about something. His definition of upset and/or being in a bad mood is anything (seriously, ANYTHING) that is not ‘happy’. It was funny up until he said I must be having PMS and then I was a little irritated. I mean, seriously, why is it that whenever women are upset or unhappy about something, it’s automatically pegged as PMS? Whatever happened to women having valid feelings?

Anyways, today when I walked up to the counter, he asked, “What’s wrong with you today?” After what he said last time I was having a rough day, I didn’t feel too keen on opening up to him. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever really talked to him about what’s wrong when I’m having a bad day. I usually just generalize it as work stress or something like that. I don’t think he really cares too much about digging deeper anymore. It’s strange. Just a week ago he was all over trying to find out what was wrong that one day and now, he just makes a comment and lets it go. Granted, I didn’t exactly open up and spill my guts last time he tried to find out what was wrong, but I didn’t realize people gave up so easily. I want the old Nathan back.

You know, I do think he did care enough to try and make me feel better. He talked a bit and joked around some. Last week, he did the same thing. It was really nice. He talked a lot more than usual and he joked around more than usual. He didn’t talk or joke around as much today, but it was still more than usual. So, either he was making an effort to help me feel better or he’s just more comfortable with me overall. Either one is fine with me. lol. It did help, too. He told me a few little things about him when he was growing up and he told me his plans for Memorial Day weekend. That made me kinda sad again because it just reminded me that I’m going to be here all alone the entire weekend. Blah. That sucks. But other than that, he did help me feel better. When I took off to go drop papers with the Judges, I sat in the stairwell for a while and just sat there. Thinking. Normally I take the elevator up to the 8th floor and walk down, but I felt like an extended walk would do me good. So, I walked up a few flights of stairs and then sat down for a bit. I don’t really remember what I thought about. Mostly I was just listening to the song I posted previously. That song describes exactly how I’ve been feeling all day today. Lost, broken, alone. After sitting for about 10 minutes, I finished walking up the stairs and then began my usual journey down the 8 flights. I like taking the stairs. It helps me thing.

When I got back to Nathan, I felt a lot better and we talked more. I was still really tired, but I didn’t feel like crying anymore.

You  know, there was something else odd about today. I don’t know if it was just because I was feeling so crappy, but Ryan seemed different today, too. Normally he just says hi in passing and sometimes does dumb little things throughout the day (bumping into me, walking into the chair I move files on, shooting rubber bands at me, messing with the copier, etc), but today he was different. I didn’t see him in the halls at all, but he came into the copy room twice. The first time he moved the chair I was putting files on to the other side of the room as well as putting several items in the middle of the only walkway space to get to the chair. I was still feeling really depressed, so I just ignored him until he started messing with the copier. I gave him a dirty look and he laughed and left the room. I saw him a few other times when I was delivering files and he kept giving me a really strange look. I want to say it was concern, but I can’t really say for sure. He’s a pretty hard person to read. The second time he came into the copy room was when I was getting ready to go to the courthouse. Well, I was ready and just had to lock my file cabinet and get my purse. While I was doing that, he talked to me for a minute and then moved my stuff again! He moved the court bucket to the other side of the room and then put several things in the way so I had to move those things before I could get to the court bucket. It wasn’t just one or two things. It was anything movable he could get his hands on! He said he wanted to make things difficult for me. As if he doesn’t already do that enough! lol. It made me laugh, though. Again, though, he gave me that strange look. It wasn’t just in passing, though, like it was the other times. He stood there for a bit and just looked at me with that strange expression. I get the feeling he wanted to say something or ask something, but I’m not sure.

Another weird thing about today was the new guy. His name is Mo. He doesn’t normally talk to me that much, but while I was getting ready for the courthouse he came in the copy room and talked to me for a few minutes. It was weird. Not that it was a bad thing! He made me laugh a few times. It was just unusual. He’ll usually come in the copy room once in the morning to see if I have any files for him and then he leaves. He doesn’t normally stay and talk. I wonder if he could tell I was having a dumb day and was trying to cheer me up. Though, telling me I’m mean and give him PTSD is a strange way of doing so. lol. Still, it made me laugh. He’s a funny kid.

Anyways, by the time I left the courthouse, I felt a heck of a lot better. Not quite 100%, but a lot better than I did this morning. I still feel like I’m alone here and that I don’t have anyone to rely on if I were to have a problem, but it doesn’t feel quite so devastating. I prayed a lot this morning for comfort and help in dealing with this realization. It’s so wonderful to know that God answered my prayers and put people in my path today to help me feel better. I really hope I can hold into this feeling and not get so down about this in the future.