Changes, Thoughts and Reminiscing

Holy crap. I just cut my own hair. Troy is going to kill me! lol. Three inches are now gone. But at least my bangs are now the way I want them. haha. Oh goodness. I can’t get over that I just cut my own hair. I’ve never done that before! What on earth is happening to me? 9:00pm on a Saturday night and I decide to cut my hair? Holy crap! Part of me wants to laugh and the other part of me wants to know what on earth happened to Erin! I never do stuff like this. First I decide to move to Malaysia. Now I’m cutting off my hair. By myself. Wow. Maybe deciding to move to Malaysia is some kind of catalyst for me to do all the things in my life I’ve wanted to do. I need to put my bucket list on here. I’ve got it taped to my bathroom mirror, but I still haven’t done anything about it.

Okay, I just posted it. I’ll probably add more to it as time goes by, but those are the things I want to do at this point in my life. One of them on there, snorkeling in Hawaii, Troy likes to tease me about it. Whenever he talks about Hawaii, he tells me how he went snorkeling and asks me if I’ve ever been. Then he makes a comment about “Oh, yeah, it’s on your list. haha”. The nerd.

So, this whole moving thing will help me get some of those things done. I’ve never been a super adventurous person. I’ve always wanted to get out there and do things, but I’ve never done it, for one reason or another. Most of it is that I don’t like doing things alone and I never have anyone to do stuff with. My ex-husband was more into playing video games on his computer than wanting to get out and do things. My last boyfriend thought  doing most things as a waste of money. It was frustrating. Jill invited me to go to Ireland last year, but I get tired of being the odd one out. For some reason, I seem to always be the one without a date when my friends go and do things. It sucks. So, I didn’t go with them.

Sometimes, I get that kind of vibe from Troy, that he would rather stay home and edit his pictures or work on his video game. That’s what we do 90% of the time anymore. He edits his pictures or codes his game while I just kinda hang out and feel like I’m in the way. It sucks sometimes. Part of it is because there’s just not a lot to do in Oklahoma. There’s only so many times you can go out and take pictures of the same stuff. And it’s been so hot this summer that neither of us wants to go outside. So we just sit around. It’s a little on the boring side. Oh well. I’d be doing the same thing most of the time, so I can’t complain too much. When the weather was cooler, we went out and did a lot of stuff. We took pictures almost every weekend, we went out of town a few times, we went to a couple of basketball games. It’s funny how summer used to be the funnest time and now it’s a little on the boring side. Probably because we don’t have a boat or a large group of friends to go hang out with all the time. We hang out with Troy’s co-workers from time to time, but it’s not quite the same. I miss my own friends. I’m not the kind of person who makes friends easily, so I usually just hang out with the friends of whoever I’m dating. It’s not like I hate people or they hate me, I just have a hard time connecting with other people. I never know what to say and I’m not the super witty sort. I get so nervous around people I don’t know very well, so I just sit quietly off to the side and try to stay out of the way. I don’t know why I have such a hard time with strangers. Well, yeah, I do. I just don’t feel like sharing it with the world. It’s easier being around people I don’t know when I’m with someone I trust. And I trust Troy. I have a hard time saying I trust him completely because I have trust issues, but I do trust him completely. I never worry that he’s lying to me or hiding things from me. At least not intentionally. If I ask him something, he’ll tell me. I know fully and without a doubt that he will never hurt me. We rough house a little sometimes and as soon as I say something hurts, he stops. Sometimes he even tells me to be careful because I’ll hurt myself if I try to wrestle him. lol. It’s pretty funny.

Speaking of Troy, he’s been gone a day now. I know he’s gone, but I don’t really feel like he’s gone. We emailed back and forth during his layover in Hong Kong and he called me last night when he got to LA. I was supposed to be at work when he called. The plan was that I was going to drop him off at the airport and then go work for four hours. ha. Right. I didn’t count on being so out of it that I was there for an hour and got nothing accomplished. I answered a few emails, organized some files, moved a bunch of papers around and that’s about it. My desk looks much more organized, but I just couldn’t get in to working. I was just too emotionally gone. I cried when we were getting ready to go to the airport and I cried when Troy hugged me goodbye. He told me to stop crying because it was making him feel bad. lol. He kept hugging me and telling me to be strong. I know he’s only going to be gone a month, but it still makes me sad. He was gone two and a half weeks when he went to Hawaii in May and I didn’t cry then. But we weren’t dating at that point. I was still in my ‘We’re just friends because I’m not ready to date yet’ mode. But we were dating. We hung out almost every day and did almost everything together. Well, no, not almost every day. I’d say about 3-4 days a week. I spent about 2 days a week for about six weeks hanging out with another guy I knew. He and I went to institute together and then would hang out every other weekend. Which Troy was fully aware of. He wasn’t a huge fan of it, though. But in the end, I chose Troy and the other guy turned into a total jerk and now we don’t speak. I feel bad about how things turned out, but I don’t regret my choice.

Anyways, back to Troy being in Malaysia. His flight left at 8:45 last night and should be arriving in Kuala Lumpur in about a half an hour. That will be 12:30pm over there. He said he’d try to Skype me or email me when he got to his hotel, but I’m not sure he will. He said he wanted to go out and explore while it was still daylight, so I guess we will see what happens. I’m trying to stay awake, but my head is starting to hurt and I’m really tired. I came home from work last night and set my alarm so I could be awake when Troy’s flight landed in LA, but he got in there early and his phone call woke me up, so he got off the phone pretty quickly. So I want to be awake if he calls tonight so that he doesn’t feel bad for waking me up. Not sure if I can make it another hour, though. I don’t know how long it will take for him to get from the airport to his hotel and then get settled before he heads out to explore. I guess we will see.

Goodness. I may be moving to Malaysia. Some moments I’m super excited to go, some moments I think there is no way on earth I’m going to go. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of doing things I’ve never done before. But if I don’t do them, how will I ever be anywhere different from where I am now? It’s not that I hate Oklahoma. I’m not a huge fan of it, but I don’t hate it. I guess it’s just because I’m used to it now. I have my routine and I have Troy. But he won’t be here anymore. So I guess this month will be a test of whether or not I can live without him. *rolls eyes* Of course I will survive on my own without him. Or anyone. I did fine for almost a year before I met Troy. And the nine months between my divorce and the guy I dated before I met Troy. And I don’t want to become dependent on anyone. People leave. Nobody sticks around. It’s better to just rely on myself and then I won’t be let down. It’s easier that way.

My dad says I’m too independent, that I need to learn to let other people take care of me. But I can’t. I can’t let people take care of me because I am so tired of losing people. I’m so tired of people walking away and having to pick up the pieces. I’m tired of getting used to someone being around and then having them not be there anymore. I’m just so so tired of it. Tired of the loss, the betrayal, the hurt. I’m tired of my heart being broken. I’m tired of not knowing who I can trust. I know Troy won’t ever intentionally hurt me and for some crazy reason I know he won’t betray me. I don’t know why, but I’ve never once worried that he would cheat on me or treat me badly. He may not be the most affectionate or emotive person, but it’s not because he’s trying to be mean. It’s just the way he is. He’s not used to being in a relationship. But when I really need him, he’s there. When I’m having a hard time dealing with something and need someone to talk to, he listens. And he tells me about the stuff in his life that is bothering him. It’s so strange because my ex-husband wouldn’t talk to me. Troy tells me things about his day and I just marvel at how wonderful it is to have him tell me the things he’s thinking or feeling. Granted, half the time I have to ask, but when I ask, he answers. And the other half of the time he just tells me and I love it! As silly as it sounds, it makes me feel special when he tells me things about his day and what he thinks about stuff. I like it.

*super big yawn* Troy’s plane lands in 15 minutes. I have to think about something else to write about that will take up that time so I can stay awake. My brain hurts so much. lol. Probably because I have all this preparations for moving that I need to do, but I can’t start yet until we know for sure that I am going. I think I’ve got the visa thing figured out. I’m not sure whether or not I have to get it before I go, but at least I know which one I can do. lol. I’m fairly certain I get it when I get to the country, but I don’t want to just assume that is correct in case it’s not. That would be a mess. I should see if Troy can get a hold of someone at the embassy there and ask. He said he was going to ask some of the other people on the project there if they had girlfriends coming over and what they are doing about the visa. Hopefully one of those avenues will work. If not, I’ll just call the State Department and the Malaysian Embassy in DC and ask. I’ve already emailed the embassy, but nobody has written me back. I found a visa application online, but I don’t know where to send it. Thank goodness I’ve got about a month and a half. I still need to get my passport fixed and get Sadie’s shots updated and get my own immunizations updated as well as pack my apartment, get rid of stuff and pack my suitcases. *sigh* Thinking about all of this is making my head hurt. And it’s making me wonder if I really want to do this. It’s all going to cost so much money and I don’t have it. Troy and I were wandering around Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon and he started talking about how he thought I should get a laptop instead of taking my computer and I started having a panic attack. My passport is going to cost me about $200, the immunizations will cost about $200, Sadie’s shots will be about $150, I don’t know how much the visa application will be, and Sadie’s ticket will cost about $150. Good grief. I still have to get an apartment over there as well as figure out if I can keep my job. If I can’t, I’ll probably take out some student loans and just go to school full time. I don’t really want to get a job in Malaysia because I don’t want to worry about paying their taxes as well as US taxes. That will be a pain come tax season. So, cross your fingers I can keep my job.

Well, Troy’s plane should be landing in two minutes. I guess I can stop writing now. lol. Usually I just want to keep going and going. This blog is insanely long and there are no pictures. Sorry, peeps. My head hurts too much to worry about pictures. I’ll do that next time. Night.