Institute Assignment and My Faith Journey

Institute started today!!!! Yay! I’m so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love going to institute. It doesn’t matter how crazy my day has been, how stressed or sick I’m feeling or what is going on in my life, I feel centered and calm after class. It’s really great.

In class tonight, we discussed the first five chapters of First Nephi. I like reading First Nephi. Nephi is always so direct and simple about his testimony. Reading what he writes makes it so easy to see how he developed his faith. There’s a picture (several, actually) circulating Facebook about his whole ‘go and do’ thing. Here’s the only one I can find at the moment. It’s pretty cute.

While I was looking for that one, I found this and it made me laugh:

Anyways, I think Nephi is a great example of trusting in the Lord and having faith that God will provide a way for whatever He asks us to do. I actually found another Nephi picture that sums that one up.

Anyways, back to why I am writing tonight instead of going to bed. The assignment we were given in class tonight was to take 1 Nephi 1:1-3 and write a version about ourselves.  Here is what 1 Nephi 1:1-3 says:

 1 I, Nephi, having been ^aborn of ^bgoodly ^cparents, therefore I was^dtaught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many ^eafflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a ^frecord of my proceedings in my days.

 2 Yea, I make a record in the ^alanguage of my father, which consists of the learning of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians.

 3 And I know that the record which I make is ^atrue; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge.

He writes a mini bio, in a way, of what he is about and regarding his upbringing in the knowledge of God and then bears his testimony of the truthfulness of the things he is about to relate. Elder Enos asked us to write something similar about ourselves tonight. I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I’m not sure what I would write about me and my faith. I’ve always had a hard time sharing things that are super personal and my faith has always been very personal to me. I have been trying over the past few years to be more open about what I believe and why I believe it. Being out of Utah has provided several opportunities to share what I believe. Sometimes people are kinda bratty about it, but most of the time people are polite. There was a guy at work a couple of years ago that was very antagonistic about it and another guy had to intercede to get him to lay off me. I was trying to answer Perry’s questions and whatnot as politely as I could and I told him several times I was not going to argue or get into a Bible bash situation with him, but he would not back down. This one day he just kept going at it and I had to leave to room so he would stop and Andy, one of the other guys that was in there, emailed me and told me he would speak to Perry and tell him he needed to back off and let me believe what I wanted to believe. Andy was studying to be a preacher and told me that by standing up for me he wasn’t saying he agreed with anything I believe, but that he believes I have the right to believe what I want without being harassed by people who don’t agree with what I believe. Perry never bothered me about religion again and Andy and I never talked about it again. Stuff like that makes it hard for me to get into discussions about religion with people because I’m very non-confrontational and when those situations arise, I get very flustered. But I’ve been working on it. I guess I need to work harder because I’m still not very comfortable talking about religion. I talk about it with Troy, periodically, and that has always been pleasant. He’s really good at making me feel comfortable talking to him about anything. So I guess I could just imagine what I would say to him regarding this assignment and go from there. haha. I feel like such a nerd.

I, like Nephi, was born to parents. (haha) Things were rough and I lost a parent. Sort of. He’s still around, somewhere in Alaska. Then my mom met and married the man who would become my dad and our family was raised in the church. They taught us all and encouraged us to be active in the church. I developed a rebellious streak due to repressed hurt, anger and resentment from things that happened when I was very young and was unable to cope with the emotions I didn’t understand and could not figure out how to control or even know where they were coming from. So I viewed church as more of a punishment than an opportunity. I never left the church, but I was never as involved as all the other people I went to church and school with. I just never felt like I belonged. After a bit of a meltdown when I was 17, I got some major counselling and dealt with a lot of stuff I’d repressed and was able to move forward with my life for the most part. I was able to figure out why I resented church and God and life in general. I got sealed in the temple on my 1-year wedding anniversary and I’ve never felt so much peace and love in my life. I never wanted that feeling to end. While my husband was deployed, I got called as a temple patron and that was such an amazing experience. I went to the temple every chance I got and I just loved being involved with that work. A year and a half later, my life fell apart again when my ex-husband said he wanted a divorce and didn’t want to have any further involvement with the church. While I was still living at the house, he started smoking and drinking and involving himself in other activities that brought such a negative spirit. I talked with my bishop about it all and he said he would normally have asked for both our recommends back, but that he didn’t feel I had done anything warranting having mine taken away. But I gave my recommend to him and told him I didn’t feel I deserved to have one because I was getting divorced. He told me when I felt ready to have it back, to just let him know and he’d hand it back to me. I never went back. I let my recommend expire 6 months later and just lost all hope and faith in life and God. I went to church sporadically and would only stay for sacrament meeting. That lasted about 8 months and then I had some sort of inner awakening and realized I wanted that feeling I’d had in the temple years before back. I started going back to church regularly and stayed for the first two hours. I’d never really felt comfortable in Relief Society, so I hated going. I finally went to see about getting a temple recommend again, but was told I wasn’t even in the ward I’d been going to. That was frustrating because the previous ward I’d gone to had said the same thing. Apparently, I’m on the boundary of two wards and neither one of them could figure out which side of the street I was on. I started going to the other ward again, but I was discouraged about becoming way involved because I didn’t want to be told to go back to the other ward. But then this really awesome lady in my ward became the master Where’s Waldo? player and tracked me down each week to ask me to sit next to her in Sunday School and Relief Society. She’d sit with me in the hall when I just needed to cry about life and she encouraged me to find ways to make peace with the failure and shame I felt at being divorced. She helped remind me that God didn’t hate me because of my divorce and that just because I was divorced didn’t mean I was a terrible person. Genene Cotton is an amazing woman and friend and I will always be grateful to her for seeing me in the foyer and making it her business to make sure I had someone to sit with each week. A few months later, I met my friend, Becky, and she adopted me as her sister. She listened to me and helped me work through things and helped me feel like I wasn’t out here all alone. I finally went and scheduled a time to talk with my bishop about getting a new temple recommend. Because I hadn’t really been going to church that much for the past year, he said I had to wait a few months and go to all of my meetings as well as get back into reading the scriptures every day. Apparently, only going to Sacrament meeting doesn’t count towards attending all your meetings. haha. So, I had to wait a few months. And I did. I did everything he asked me to do and started feeling whole again. Then I got involved in institute and life really started to get back to where I wanted it to be. I remember the day I got my new recommend. I showed up an hour early to meet with the Stake President because I was just so excited. I went to institute right after and Elder Enos said I was glowing. I don’t know about the glowing thing, but I felt like I could fly. I was just so happy. It meant everything in the world to me to have that back.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing all this. This probably isn’t anything like what Elder Enos had in mind, but it’s what is coming out. So I will continue.

Ever since I got my recommend again, I’ve been much happier. Yes, I still struggle with my inner demons. I still fight against feelings of being unworthy to have a recommend because of my divorce and subsequent inactivity. I’ve made mistakes in my life and am nowhere near perfect. But who is? Who out there really is perfect? None of us are. We all have our trials and struggles. We all have our mountains and our demons. Mine just came in the form of trauma and divorce. But that is why we have the Atonement. The Atonement isn’t just for the things we have done wrong. The Atonement covers the things we’ve done wrong and the things that have been done wrong against us. The Atonement covers every hurt, disappointment, fear, shame and doubt. We just have to give all that over to the Lord and He will carry it for us. That is what I have learned in my life. I still struggle with letting the Lord take over my hurts and fears. I have massive trust issues, but I am learning to trust in the Lord and let him take over.  Sometimes my struggles get the best of me and I doubt my faith and conviction, but deep down I know that God loves me and has only given me the trials in my life because He knows I am strong enough to handle them. Sometimes I focus a little too much on my trials and what I have lost, but that, too, I am learning to overcome.

I don’t know that I will ever be as strong and courageous as Nephi. I don’t know if I will ever be able to do the things he did, but I also know I won’t be called upon to build a boat or settle a foreign land that nobody has ever seen before. I think that relieves a little stress. haha. What I do know, though, is that the times when I have been able to trust in the Lord, he has guided me and carried me through whatever it is that I was going through. The times I try to handle it myself are the times I struggle and stumble. God is there for all of us. He loves us and will help if we but ask. The thing that has helped me and reminded me that God does love me no matter what, is to remember the day on the grass. I was struggling so much after my divorce and I was ready to just give up everything. I had no hope and had lost a lot of my faith. I felt like a failure and that there was no point to even try anymore. I took a break at work because I just couldn’t do it anymore and I laid on the grass and just cried. I told God I just couldn’t do it anymore and that I really needed His help. I told him I didn’t know if I believed anymore and asked if He could just show me in some simple way that He cared. It was a warm day and I remember thinking that a breeze would be nice. As soon as I thought that, I felt a gentle breeze on my face. I knew, without a doubt, that God had heard me and was answering my prayer. It felt like someone was brushing the tears off my face and then the breeze enveloped me and I felt like someone was holding me. That experience will stay with me as long as I live. In that one moment, I felt that God loved me and that He wasn’t ashamed of me. And now that I know God loves me, it is my responsibility to share that with others and to help them feel and know that God loves them, no matter what.