Friday Funnies: Lexophilia and Paraprosdokians

You, like me, have probably heard lexophile phrases before, but aren’t very familiar with the actual term. I heard it recently and got looking into it and spend quite a while being entertained. Apparently, there is an annual competition for lexophiles in Dubuque, Iowa and they come up with some pretty funny phrases.

Here are a few that I enjoy:

• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
• Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell on to an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• When she saw her first strand of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
• Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Along with lexophilia, Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Apparently, Winston Churchill quite loved them.

• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it is still on my list.
• Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agree with you, we’d both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• In filling out an application, where it says ,’In case of Emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in the garage makes you a car.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If these made you laugh or smile, share the joy!